September and October 2013 felt like the start to a Snoopy story–“It was a dark and stormy night”. It started on 16 September when a friend wrote and asked if I would share a particularly difficult and painful part of my story to help others. I was terrified, but wrote my story, asked a couple of friends to proof it for me, and sent it on to my friend. A week and a half later, on 25 September, I was in my first major car accident. My little ’98 Monte Carlo lost a fight with Suburban that didn’t know she was supposed to yield on a left turn. I got checked out at the ER and released to go home, and spent the next few weeks learning how to deal with insurance companies.
The biggest emotional hit came on 15 October when I finally picked a fight with God and gave Him the full force of my anger. For two hours, I wrote out every emotion, every thought, every accusation. I cried more in those two hours than I ever had before.
In the midst of all this, I still had to continue my teaching/tutoring jobs and was trying to find a car to replace mine, which was totaled in the accident. I could not figure out what the Lord could possibly be doing in all of this. With everything that was going on, how could I believe God was good and loving and faithful? I struggled more with each passing day to trust God, to believe that He loved me. Doesn’t love mean you protect the one you love from harm? Instead, God seemed to be doing the opposite; He was removing my sense of safety. Why was He refusing to let me feel safe and protected? Was I always going to be left feeling vulnerable and exposed?
Then, on 22 October, I was hospitalized with a staph infection. I was in the hospital for a week, during which time I underwent a minor surgery to remove the infection, followed by a week recovering before I could return to work. That was it. I was beyond the limits of my endurance. Never before had I felt so weak, helpless, and out of control. I knew God was sovereign, yet found no comfort in that because I didn’t trust the God who was in control.
As I recovered from the infection and the surgery necessary to heal it, God brought me to a place where I literally had to rely on Him to help me take a step forward. I didn’t have the strength or energy to walk from the couch to the dining room table. Slowly, I began to regain some strength; energy took much longer. Yet, I have seen how He brought me through that time, how He upheld me and walked with me. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, it was a difficult time. But God brought me through with a deeper understanding of who He is.